obituary: diet coke

Diet Coke (1982-January 28th, 2016), Nashville, TN.

On Thursday January 28th, 2016 the heavens rejoiced as Diet Coke was taken from this drinker far too soon. Diet Coke, (or DC as everyone called her) was an incredibly bubbly girl. Her ability to clear the morning dust in a throat, provide a quick jolt of energy, or simply comfort someone after a long day are just a few examples of how greatly she will be missed by her loved one.

DC was a loyal friend to those her knew her. Always knowing just how to perk you up, re-energize your day, or be a crisp refresher to cap off the night. And while her appearance dabbled from fountain to can, 2 liter to 20 oz, she was consistent with her impeccable taste. Whether she resided in Styrofoam, tervis, or even a solo, she never lost sight of who she was.

DC is survived by S.L., her one true companion, who will now be seeking comfort by other close beverages such as Green T. and Coff E.

A resurrection service will be celebrated March 10th, 2016 with close family and friends. In lieu of flowers, please make a donation to DietCokers Anonymous.


But, seriously… 

I’ve joked before that if you were to test my blood type, that it would more than likely be DC positive, for as much Diet Coke that I consume in a day. I’ve had friends that went from addicts to cold-turkey, I’ve read the articles talking about anal leakage, and I’ve heard the horrifying tales of aspartame, but none of that ever motivated me to give up my beloved drink. BUT…when I first started planning my attack for the weight loss challenge, I knew that Diet Coke was the top of the list to go. It was not an easy decision, it was one that took gradual acceptance. But in order to make the most of this weight loss opportunity, I need to eliminate any potential “fails” {That’s you, DC!}.

So with today being my first diet-cokeless day, since probably diapers, let me be the first to say that today was HARD.

Before I share my internal monologue for the day, please note that I would not have drank Diet Coke at ALL of these circumstances, just a few:

7:00 AM: [Opens fridge] “Expired milk, no. Unsweetened Almond Cashew milk, blah. Diet Coke 2-liter, wah. Random pink wine that Emily left at my house, can’t. Perfectly chilled Diet Coke Can, I need you-wah.” [shuts fridge, walks away parched]

7:30 AM: [My work has a specific COKE refrigerator that has a clear door and is stocked with unlimited Diet Coke- Walks by, stretching out my arms, grazing the door.]

8:00 AM: [Checks cabinet, k-cup box is empty, drinks green tea, makes disgruntled face]

8:06 AM: [Walks by Coke refrigerator to make sure that Diet Coke is safe, she is, so I sit back down at my desk & continue to drink the green tea.]

8:30-11:00 AM: [Simultaneously drink water/green tea/corporate coffee while mumbling under my breath that this is stupid.]

11:30 AM: [LUNCH, eat a pile of shredded deli meat with raw broccoli] “This is dumb, dumb, DUMB. I can not do this.”

12:45 PM: [Talking to a REALLY long-winded candidate on the phone] “Diet Coke, where are you?! I’m about to fall asleep, Green tea is giving my mouth a weird film, COME BACKK.]

1:15 PM: [Run quick errand, pass a McDonald’s, almost run through the drive thru] “Screw you $1 drinks!”

2:15 PM: [Celebrate (Laura’s) office birthday with cake] “I can’t eat the cake, I MADE this cake, I NEED a Diet Coke.” Alexandra, my co-worker, stands in solidarity, does not eat cake, tells me I don’t need a Diet Coke.

2:15-4:30 PM: [Lacking energy] “Must. Have. Carbonation.”

5:15 PM: [Drink Pre-workout, go to Orange Theory] “I’m almost done with day 1. Thank GAWD.”

7:15: [Eats dinner] “Lemon Water, you are nice, I like you.”

And here it is folks, I’m in the home stretch. I have finally made it my first day without Diet Coke.

How do you stay away from your addictions?






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