“5 “Can I make it’s?”… 4 “Holy sh*t’s!”… 3 “Are you kidding me’s?”… 2 “I can’t hold it’s”… ONE DAY OFF WORKKKKKK.
Seriously. The last 36 hours have made me entirely too familiar with my home and work bathroom. I’m normally (actually, NEVER) one to talk about anything related to my bowel movements, but I need to know: Advocare Army, IS THIS NORMAL?
Wednesday marked my last day of the 10 day cleanse and I couldn’t be more thankful. This Advocare process has not been enjoyable at all. It started off by making me feel “weird” days 1-4, normal on days 5-7, and then DISCUSSING MY BOWEL MOVEMENTS WITH MY BOSS, Christy, on days 8-10. (Insert horrified emoji here).
On Tuesday I noticed that I was frequenting the bathroom more than normal, which is what I expected to happen while on a cleanse. I’m typically someone who is bathroom shy and prefers to visit when the bathroom is totally empty. I’ve been known to peek my head in, see a stall door closed and try again in a few minutes. Normally, that works fine. However, on Tuesday, that was not the case. It started off by a quick walk to the bathroom, then turned into more of a gallop/skip/power walk, and by the end of the day I was basically sprinting to the bathroom not caring who was in my path.
It was so bad on Tuesday (day 9 of the cleanse) that I didn’t think I could make it to Orange Theory “in time”. I had to pull over, run into a gas station, get back in traffic and ended up missing my class (and getting charged that $10 no show fee.) Do you think “Hey, I’m pretty sure my colon was going to explode” would have gotten me out of the fee? Probably not.
So I go home, obviously skip my nightly herbal cleanse pill and spend the rest of the night counting the bathroom tiles and reading the ingredients on my face wash bottles. The motion of leaping out of bed, sprinting to my bathroom and waiting… happened all night. Mostly between the hours of 2-5. SURELY at this point, I am clear. Wrong.
I wake up, begin to get ready for work, and am unable to leave the cool, new, hip, hangout, “Le Bathroom”. I sent a text to Christy telling her there is no possible way for me to come to work. This must be a stomach bug, right? No one would pay for this type of “activity”.
ALL DAY I spend in constant movement from my couch to “Le Bathroom” (this sounds more lady-like, right?).
They might as well have offered me a frequent visitors card because THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
I eat no food, drink electrolytes, and head to Orange Theory with an empty tank. I exert the 10% of energy left in my body for this workout (to avoid not being charged another fee) and make it through the class without any “movement”. Praise Jesus!
I now embark on the 14 day Max phase and can only pray that this is more effective. So far on Advocare I’ve lost ZERO pounds. ZERO.
I’m on a VERY strict diet, work out TWICE a day, follow the guide, have a virtual coach, and have not cheated on any of the areas. (Please note: I’ve saved my catalyst and shakes until the max phase).
WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?
Am I the exception to this “miracle” product? Is Advocare plotting against me? Is this going to be like the scene when Regina George is actually eating bars to GAIN weight? Please advise.